Traffic Cops. These individuals are well meaning dragons that come to church not to serve, but to control the serving. You’re certain one day they will show up with white gloves and a whistle so they can direct traffic.
Seismologists. These are walking Richter scales, gifted in the art of fault finding. If they don’t feel a quake, they’ll shake the room.
Umpires. These individuals enjoy calling the shots. They expect hustle from the team while they watch with a critical eye. Usually umpires have no interest in dialogue once they have made their call. Issues are black and white, and truth is as true as they see it.
Taxidermists. These individuals enjoy taking dead controversies and issues and stuffing them with artificial importance to make them appear lifelike. Instead of letting things die, the taxidermist will attempt to preserve a matter as long as possible.
Stenographers. These individuals are often friends with seismologists and taxidermists. They are very perceptive and record every discussion in earshot for the purpose of reproducing their notes without the expressed written consent of the one giving their testimony.
Town Criers. These individuals take it upon themselves to make announcements or proclamations either by speaking loudly in public places or simply shouting in the streets. Town Criers are often very committed to the church and assume their role is irreplaceable. Who would know anything without them?
Morticians. Morticians are often friends with taxidermists. These individuals thoroughly enjoy dressing up corpses. They revere pastors who served before you and subtly communicate that you’ll never be as attractive until your dead and under their care. Morticians attempt to hide decay and death behind a facade of rosy-cheeked make up.
Curators. Curators are guardians and superintendents of minor religious artifacts. They spend their entire life dusting and polishing insignificant secondary doctrinal issues and can not understand for the life of them why others don’t have the same passion. Curators prefer time alone with their rapture theories or theonomic plans to rule the world. Please be advised, curators are often socially awkward and may resort to theological turrets and blurt obscure passages of scripture while using multi-syllabic words that end in “ism,” “logy” or “ist.”
Astronomers. These individuals often find themselves gazing at far off issues that don’t seem to have much relevance at the moment. Astronomers are usually more concerned with what might happen at another church while forgetting their call to serve the one they attend. So interested in otherworldly matters, they often have difficulty connecting to people on their own planet.
Synchronized Swimming Coaches. These individuals were left last because their event is often given the 3 am time slot for the Olympics. Next to the wildly popular Canadian sport of curling, this may be the most unimportant activity in the history of mankind. However, these coaches are confident that their particular ministry has just not received the right support, but if they did, the entire globe would be changed by the mere sight of their pinched-nosed water ballet. SSC’s are constantly on the lookout for ministries that are completely irrelevant to the vision and mission of the church. SSC’s politicize their case persistently until someone gives them their much needed attention. Shortly after they make repeated attempts to convert every other ministry and absorb all additional resources to their pet cause. If their ministry fails to deliver the global impact it promised, blame is immediately assigned to the church leaders and administrator for not granting a larger line-item on the budget.
David Fairchild